I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
