On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
