I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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