so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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