Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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