The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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