textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
