And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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