I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
