Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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