I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
