I forgot how hot balto sounded
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
