you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
