Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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