I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
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