i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Everclear isn't food dammit
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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