We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
