the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
