THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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