just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
