He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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