So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
