Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
