Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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