At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
