This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
there's paper in my vomit.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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