When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
where are you?
Hypothermia
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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