ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
