I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Randomize
