Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
