Quick, to the slutcave!
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
