I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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