Your favorite bartender is back from prision
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
