If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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