I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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