theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
