wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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