Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
