If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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