so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
