just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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