peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
