nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
