Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
