dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
time to smoke my breakfast
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
