Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
