Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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