i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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