How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
