WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
