Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
