mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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